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Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to
spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely
blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

_________________
SWchef

Training Officer ~ 125th Spartan Warriors



Been around the block all these years and all I got was dizzy.

whats this about a girlfriend?...im telling MOM

SWkiljoy

_________________
A Proud Member of the 125th Spartan Warriors
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

LMAO!!

_________________
SWrokit
CO ~ 125th Spartan Warriors

"Kill me as you may, for those who stand behind me will justify my death"

OMG

_________________
SWblade
----125th Spartan Warriors ----

“Those who are skilled in combat do not become angered, Those who are skilled at winning do not become afraid, Thus the wise win before the fight, while the ignorant fight to win.”

LMAO Chef

_________________
medic341

CO ~ The Good Bad and the Ugly

Sheep expert

http://gbufightersquadron.spruz.com

WHY MY WIFE WON"T TAKE ME SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
woman's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
clerks passed out.

_________________
SWchef

Training Officer ~ 125th Spartan Warriors



Been around the block all these years and all I got was dizzy.

LMFAO!!

I fully understand. I don't like to be forced into shopping either. But with me, it only took 1 incident (about 20 years ago) and Pam has never since asked me to go shopping with her

Of course she didn't talk to me for a couple of weeks either

<S>
Rokit

_________________
SWrokit
CO ~ 125th Spartan Warriors

"Kill me as you may, for those who stand behind me will justify my death"

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot Old Blue, before he talks to your mother.
"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

_________________
SWchef

Training Officer ~ 125th Spartan Warriors



Been around the block all these years and all I got was dizzy.

_________________
A Proud Member of the 125th Spartan Warriors
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

A woman FROM Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

_________________
SWchef

Training Officer ~ 125th Spartan Warriors



Been around the block all these years and all I got was dizzy.